Dear Joel Schumacher: an Open Letter

Dear Joel Schulmacher:

Please stop making crappy movies.  Not just crappy original properties, either; please stop ruining existing properties with your crap direction and artistic whatever-you-call-it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough you nearly single-handedly killed the Batman movie franchise, you cast Gerard Butler as the Phantom of the Opera, despite the fact that the guy can’t sing.

Now, I go to my local neighborhood Redbox and see a new(ish) film there, Twelve. Now normally I don’t judge a movie by its box art (although I totally do that,) but I could tell right away this was shite.  Not just regular shite, but shite that would come back to haunt me the next day and make me violently upset at you.

I guess it’s not enough that you want to make crappy movies, but at least you could have the common decency to recognize you’re a hack and not attempt to be artistic about it or anything.

And for God’s sake, was it really necessary to have Kiefer freaking Sutherland narrating the entire movie?  Including the casts’ various inner monologues?  As if  the audience is somehow so stupid we’re incapable of figuring out what a character might be thinking based on what is happening to them and what they are doing.  I guess it’s not enough that a character walks around in the rain with his head down while sad piano music plays; Kiefer Sutherland has to tell us that the character is feeling depressed.  *sigh*

I guess the point of all this is, you owe me a buck ten, Schumacher.  I’ll expect it in my mailbox asap.

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