In which our intrepid hero absorbs too much popular culture all at once and has an incident.
Last night I had a BIZARRE dream. Are you guys ready for this? Because I posit that you are not, in fact, ready for this.
The scene opened upon the Shire, rolling green hills and gentle, furry-footed folk going about their daily activities. Specifically, the scene opened upon Bag End, home of one Bilbo Baggins, esq.
Bilbo was nowhere to be seen, however; instead, Bag End was filled to bursting with Thorin Oakenshield and his company of twelve. For some reason, the part of Bombur was played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Let that stew in your brain for a second. Here, I’ll help.
Anyway, the dwarves were just lounging around Bag End, and suddenly a band of marauding Orcs busted up in the joint and made all of the dwarves go sit in a corner!
The Orc in charge pointed his finger at Thorin and said, “Now we’re going to go into the next room and steal stuff, and you all better sit RIGHT HERE!”
And then the Orcs went into the next room and started stealing stuff. The dwarves were unhappy about this development, but they had been told quite firmly to sit RIGHT THERE, so what could they possibly do?
And then Bombur hopped up, ran over to a giant crate of apples, kicked the whole thing over (quite ruining Bilbo’s nice clean floor,) and shouted, “Hey Orcs! F*#% your Sh#@!”
And then I woke up.