Batman v Superman: Here be Spoilers

Okay, so I’ll start by saying this: Zack Snyder doesn’t get Superman. He’s so obsessed with the grim tone of Watchmen and Batman that he doesn’t understand how to bring a character like Superman to the big screen. Superman isn’t a brooding, sad, conflicted mess. He’s a boy scout. Anyone who read any of his books over the last 70 years would know this. Would Superman hesitate to save a kid from a burning building? Of course not! See? He’s Superman, Snyder says, putting a scene of that exact thing in the movie during a montage of Superman being heroic and doing everything but saving a cat out of a tree.
This is the same movie that starts with Superman full on tackling a man through about three brick walls. Superman would not do that. Superman would take that man out in a non-lethal way. Zack Snyder doesn’t believe in that, apparently.

Now, the things Snyder does well here REALLY work. Affleck as Batman? FREAKING. NAILED IT.
Seriously, Snyder includes something no other filmmaker has done with the character, and that’s show us that Bruce Wayne is NOT all there in the head… But neither is he crazy. The film strongly hints at the totemic nature of the Bat, with an otherworldly introduction to the Bat Cave that caused my jaw to drop open at its sheer beauty and creepiness.
If this whole movie had just been a Batman movie, it would have been great. Snyder gets dark and brooding and so does Affleck. They’re a match made in heaven.

Lex Luthor? I have no problems with Jesse Eisenberg’s performance per se, but I feel that this should have been more than one film. I mean, the guy enacted his entire nutso plan over the course of 18 months (and like the two weeks the movie actually happened in) and managed to not only infiltrate the Middle East with Goombas with special weapons, sabotage some poor schmuck that just wanted to be heard, take out his only stumbling blocks, get EVERYTHING he wanted, and oh yeah, convince a Kryptonian AI to somehow just ignore its programming and clone Zod’s corpse into (sigh) Doomsday.

Shoulda been more than one movie. Remember how Lost built up the mystery of the Hatch for a while before opening it? This movie showed us a hatch, shot us in the kneecaps, blew said hatch open with a rocket launcher and then threw us into it. There’s no style present, just action.

Did I enjoy it? Heck yes. I knew what breed of awful it was going to be going into it and it didn’t disappoint. It actually  managed to surprise me. I was NOT expecting the bit with the Flash, let me tell you. That right there made up for a LOT of things that irked me about the movie.

There were some parts that were good, some parts that were bad, and the last thirty minutes of it I kept checking my watch, wanting it to just be over already.

When the end of the movie came, I had to roll my eyes one final time. Of COURSE Superman isn’t dead. But hey, could you maybe keep the audience in suspense for a while? I mean sheesh, it’s not as if you could just bring a dead Kryptonian back to life with a conveniently placed World Engine sitting in the middle of downtown Metropolis…

Oh, wait.


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